The last couple of weeks have been tough for me mentally. For some reason, it feels like nothing is going right. I have zero motivation to do things and have to give myself a pep talk every morning just to get out of bed. Being a mum means I have a valid reason to push myself to keep going. It’s not easy, but it must be done.
I don’t always feel this way. It’s just that a few external situations have impacted my mental health more than I’d like them to in the last few weeks.
I try my very best to be strong and put on a ‘brave’ face. Smiling, acting all hunky-dory as if nothing is going on – the last thing I want is for someone else to feel crappy just because I feel crappy.
Gosh! This is so tough…
Most days, I wake up and get through the day doing the things I need to and go to bed like a zombie. My brain feels like it’s switched itself off and has no intention of coming back on. I am committed to my work, so if it wasn’t for that and my little girl, I’d be hiding in a cupboard somewhere hibernating till it’s safe to be out again.
I am telling myself that this too will pass, like all the other things that have happened in my past and I will feel good again. Even though I feel like I am lying to myself by saying that.
Some of the thoughts I have been dealing with are to do with my appearance. I know the root cause of these feelings. They come from how someone close to me makes me feel.
Questions such as – Do I not look good enough? Am I repulsive? Maybe there’s something missing in me? Maybe there’s something wrong with me? circle round and round in my head. I try to push them to one side. When I know, I should be reminding myself that I am ENOUGH! I may not have my size 6 figure anymore but I am good enough. If someone else doesn’t think I am good enough, that’s their misfortune. Not mine.
It’s one thing telling myself those things and it’s another, trying to believe them. All I want in life is someone who loves me and wants me, is that too much to ask for? Is it too much to want to be happy and have the simple things in life you deserve? I don’t know, maybe it is asking for too much…
Or maybe it’s not. I don’t know.
All I do know is that I have to make through this and find a way of being as strong as I can be. I decided to talk about this today in hopes that someone out there may be feeling the same way and could do with a reminder that they are not alone. Together, we will make it through.
xoxo
Bonita Bennett 