Every day after school, I ask Eloise the same question.

“How was school?”

And almost every day, I get the same answer.

“Fine.”

For a long time, I thought she simply didn’t want to talk about her day. Like most parents, I wanted to know everything. What had she learnt? Who had she played with? Had she enjoyed herself? Was anything worrying her? Instead, I would get a one-word answer before the conversation quickly moved on to something far more important in her eyes, usually Minecraft, dogs, food or whatever exciting idea had found its way into her head that day.

It wasn’t until I started paying attention to when she actually shared things with me that I realised the problem wasn’t the question itself.

The stories never appeared when I asked. They would arrive later while we were drawing together at the kitchen table, halfway through dinner, or just before bed when I was mentally preparing to leave her room and finally sit down for five minutes. Sometimes she would suddenly tell me something hilarious that happened at lunchtime. Other times she would casually mention a disagreement with a friend that had clearly been sitting on her mind all afternoon. It was almost as though she needed time to unpack her day before she could talk about it.

The more I thought about it, the more it made sense.

School Is Hard Work In Ways We Forget

As adults, we often think about school as lessons, homework and learning. We think about spelling tests, reading books and times tables. Children experience something much bigger than that.

Every day they are navigating friendships, following instructions, managing disappointment, trying new things, solving problems and working out where they fit in. They are constantly learning social rules that most of us now take for granted. They are figuring out who they are while being surrounded by dozens of other children doing exactly the same thing.

When I look at it like that, it’s no wonder many children come home exhausted.

I know after a busy day of work, meetings and life admin, I don’t always feel like giving someone a detailed breakdown of my day the moment I walk through the front door. Usually I want a cup of tea, something to eat and a little bit of quiet before my brain is ready for conversation. Perhaps our children aren’t so different.

Sometimes They Need To Be Themselves Again

I’ve noticed that Eloise often needs a transition period between school and home.

Some days she comes through the door talking non-stop. Other days she wants a snack and twenty minutes of doing her own thing before she’s ready to engage with anyone. Occasionally she wants to sit with the dogs, disappear into her room or tell me something completely unrelated to school. None of those things worry me anymore because I’ve realised they’re all part of the same process.

School requires children to be switched on for hours at a time. Home is where they can finally relax.

The funny thing is that the less pressure I put on those after-school conversations, the more naturally they seem to happen. Instead of trying to get information out of her, I focus on creating opportunities for connection. The conversations usually follow on their own.

Asking Different Questions

I still ask about school, but I’ve become more curious about the moments within the day rather than expecting a full report.

Questions like “What made you laugh today?” or “Did anything surprise you?” tend to open far more doors than “How was school?”. Sometimes I’ll ask who she spent time with or whether anything interesting happened at break time. The answers are often unexpected and tell me far more about how she’s feeling than a general summary ever could.

One of my favourite questions is, “What was the best part of your day?” Not because it always leads to a deep conversation, but because it encourages her to stop and think. Sometimes the answer is a lesson. Sometimes it’s a friend. Sometimes it’s the fact they had fish fingers for lunch.

Children have a wonderful way of reminding us what really matters.

Building Trust One Conversation At A Time

The older Eloise gets, the more I realise that helping children open up after school isn’t really about school at all.

It’s about building trust.

It’s about creating an environment where they know they can talk when they’re ready, rather than when we want them to. It’s about listening without immediately trying to solve every problem and resisting the urge to jump in with advice before they’ve finished speaking.

Most of all, it’s about showing them that what they think and feel matters.

There will come a time when the conversations are bigger than playground disagreements and favourite lessons. There will be friendships, worries, disappointments and decisions that feel much more significant than what happened during maths on a Tuesday morning. My hope is that by listening to the little things now, I’m showing Eloise that she can come to me with the big things later.

So these days, I still ask, “How was school?”

I just don’t mind quite so much when the answer is “fine”.

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50 Questions That Get Children Talking

A printable list of conversation starters for the dinner table, the school run or those moments when you want to connect without it feeling like an interview.